2015 was beautiful, scary, challenging, fun, and a mix bag of emotions for me. I challenged myself, pushed through fears, and experienced a whole lot of new. Sometimes I cried through it, laughed through it, and drank a few bottles of wine. 
I hope 2016 will include less anxiety, more dance parties, and of course wine.
I can’t wait. 


Let’s be honest…

*This is something I wrote a few days ago. It was private, but thought I make it public now* 

Losing weight sucks. 

From every diet to new work out, we’ve all bought it, tried it, and while it worked( well maybe) we tend to fall back to old habits. 

The above statement isn’t groundbreaking or insightful. In fact, as I continue to type this on my phone having jumped out of the shower, avoided every mirror, and curled up in bed, I am judging it so hard core. This should be a better opener or maybe rewrite to do something profound! Even now it’s causing the hint of aniexty as tear drops fall down my face.

Some would call this a mess, and they wouldn’t be far from the truth. Those who know me would say I’m the happiest person they know, and I am when I’m around people or doing things. When I’m by myself, I say the worst things I would never say to anyone, and while I try to escape myself, I can’t. 

I say I’m doing all the right moves to fix this, but lately I’ve been checking things off of a list. 

Went to the doctor? Check. 

Therapist? Check. 

Class? Check

Workout? Ummm ok tomorrow.

Friends birthday party even though my aniexty attack was so bad it caused a migraine, but I told her I would go and if I don’t she will hate me for the rest of my life? Check

I would like to say I haven’t always been this way, but in truth I’ve hide it so well. For a long time, and even now, I still see myself as the bigger kid, both in height and weight. It didn’t help that I had an Afro and glasses, and would cry like all the time. But then you grow up, find friends, get contacts, you stop growing in height, and you start masking it. You have a lot of friends, but not a lot of them know you that well. Same with boyfriends, they know you to a certain point, but then when you show them the real you, they run. 

You could say I’ve had bad choice in guys, and again check.

The worst of it has happened in the last year. I moved from the desert sky of Phoenix to the big city of Chicago. Along with that gained 20 lbs because the Midwest does food gooooood, and tried to make friends. I think I’ve done good in eating and making friends, but I remember being so alone when I first moved here that I said yes to everything and started checking things off. Except one thing. I didn’t say yes to my health.

In the last month, I’ve had a trainer and lost 5lbs. I was sooooooo happy, but then I did bad at work, then improv, then ate some cupcakes, and then bam stop doing everything healthy for my mind and body. 

The breaking point came yesterday. My mom and I had this amazing fun weekend, and I was so sad to see her leave that I cried for an hours a she packed, but it turned into a session of how much I hate everything, and while she tried to comfort me, I was too much in a dark hole. After she left, I got irritated at my friends during our skype date for no reason, couldn’t focus on my job, and continued to cry as my improv instructor took time to chat with me. All I could focus was on the bad that I got nothing done and went to bed.
Which brings me here at 5:39AM. I woke up tired of everything. I want and need to be happy, healthy, and me 100%. This post is for me. 

And yes I’m crazy enough to start this health journey 3 days before Thanksgiving, but if I wait another minute day or week, I may get crazier.

So what now? I’m not sure and I’ll try not to get too anxious about it. I just know I can’t be like this anymore. 


One year in Chicago.

Today is my one year anniversary living in Chicago. It’s also my last 5B show at iO which is crazy weird that they are both happening on the same day. I’ve graduated iO. It’s a great anniversary gift.
  For the last week, I’ve been trying to think of something profound to say about how much I’ve grown, how hard it’s been, and how much I miss Arizona but love Chicago. I’ve had trouble trying to find the right words. 
How do you summarize a year of your life? A year that challenged you. A year that forced you out of your comfort zone. A year that made you become a badass woman with a sword (thank you Jana). 
You can’t. I look back at pictures and stories and think wow I did that? And it’s unreal and unpredictable, my life. I think of all the new people I met, and how crazy it is that a year ago I didn’t know them. I also wonder how I made it through winter. 
I do miss Arizona especially when it’s -30, but I miss my family and friends everyday. I wish I could drive to see them when I need a hug or some good Mexican food. I wish I could go to the Torch and dance in the hallways. But I’m also super happy of their support. 
Thank you to my family. Thank you to Katie who has been so patient and kind. Lauren who understood why we can’t and has been simply the best. Thank you to my new friends and the improv community who have helped make Chicago feel like home.
Here’s to another year of what’s to come in Sweet Home Chicago.


Trying to Fall Back in Love With Running

Running and I have been on a break.

Truth be told we had a nasty breakup, and I was the crazy one.

I hadn’t return any of its calls. I ghosted on it. I cheated on it with Netflix marathons and over eating and drinking. In the past year, running and I tried to get back together, but then I would find something wrong with running like it didn’t satisfy me the way it use to, or I had a headache, or a newer shinier thing would come along like NFL Playoffs, and I would break up with running quicker than I ever ran.

I seriously gave it 100% to the 50 yard line effort with my relationship, but then I couldn’t run as far or as fast and I would give up. I gave too much, too soon. I start feeling bad about myself, and instead of having a heart to heart with running, I would find myself  turning to others things that were less pretty and didn’t mean anything like binge eating for comfort. When running would bug me to please call it back, I would get mad at it saying it’s too cold, or my knees hurt, or ask where my chocolate bar was.I felt bad about the way I was treating running, but the more it bugged me, the more I ignored it.

Oh but ignoring running was not the way to go. You see running would get its breakup revenge.It left gifts like heartburn and 15 pounds. It left nasty notes like bad test results and adult acne. It left me questioning life choices like what desert girl leaves the heat for the snow. It eventually gave me what I wanted…it left me alone.I was left with silence and heartbreak. My body started to ache, my breath got shorter, and my mind cloudy. I tried to find that same love in other things like quick Pinterest workouts, and while it felt good for a second, when it was over, I felt nothing.

When something good leaves you alone-when you set it free-you start missing it. You miss how happy it made you when you hit milestones, had your favorite songs, and took stupid, funny pictures together. You miss how amazing and alive you felt when you got that natural high feeling-as if no one else was in the room. You realize how compatible you were, and how truly isolated you are now without it. That empty hole you created is now even more visible when people ask what happen, or even new people you meet never knew you together as one.

I miss running. I miss the sound of feet hitting one…by…one. I miss that runner’s high I got when I hit my stride. I miss getting excited for races or sticking to a program.Running got me out of some dark places because it was something I could work hard at, and go through some shit with. Without running, a piece of me was missing-more than I thought. I want to get back together with running, but I am not sure how. All I can do is try to fall back in love with running.

But will it love me back?

A Break-up

That moment when you know it’s time to break things off is always the hardest. Better to do it in public and around people.

I don’t think this is going to work 2014. We had fun, the sparks are starting to fade. We’ll have our last romp tonight, but like Cinderella, you gots to go at midnight.

How you doing, 2015?

*wink face* *insert resolutions*

*pop bottle*

Hello almost 30. #mk30

I turned 28 about a month ago. In that time, probably out of forgetfulness and life, it took me a month to come up with 30. So here goes nothing.

30 things to do before 30

1) Lose 40 Lbs

2) Learn to ride a bike

3) Be Fluent in Spanish

4) Run 730 miles

5) Pay off my debts

6) Learn to play the guitar  

7) Fall in love

8) Run a half marathon in 2:45

9) Ask my parents about the day I was born. 

10) Visit a new state/country 

11) Kiss as snow is falling

12) Write a cook book

13) Tour Vandermill 

14) Visit Dinosaur farm

15) Go apple picking

16) Create a new Chicago improv group

17) Create a piece of art

18) Volunteer for 30 hours.  

19) Take a trapeze class

20) Perform at a Story Telling Event.

21) Graduate from iO

22) Read 30 new books

23) Write at least 30 short stories

24) Be a part of a parade

25) Complete T25

26) Take a ballet class

27) Ride a motorcycle 

28) Have a savings so I don’t have to work for six months

29) Get Headshots 

30) Something you didn’t think of.