Let’s be honest…

*This is something I wrote a few days ago. It was private, but thought I make it public now* 

Losing weight sucks. 

From every diet to new work out, we’ve all bought it, tried it, and while it worked( well maybe) we tend to fall back to old habits. 

The above statement isn’t groundbreaking or insightful. In fact, as I continue to type this on my phone having jumped out of the shower, avoided every mirror, and curled up in bed, I am judging it so hard core. This should be a better opener or maybe rewrite to do something profound! Even now it’s causing the hint of aniexty as tear drops fall down my face.

Some would call this a mess, and they wouldn’t be far from the truth. Those who know me would say I’m the happiest person they know, and I am when I’m around people or doing things. When I’m by myself, I say the worst things I would never say to anyone, and while I try to escape myself, I can’t. 

I say I’m doing all the right moves to fix this, but lately I’ve been checking things off of a list. 

Went to the doctor? Check. 

Therapist? Check. 

Class? Check

Workout? Ummm ok tomorrow.

Friends birthday party even though my aniexty attack was so bad it caused a migraine, but I told her I would go and if I don’t she will hate me for the rest of my life? Check

I would like to say I haven’t always been this way, but in truth I’ve hide it so well. For a long time, and even now, I still see myself as the bigger kid, both in height and weight. It didn’t help that I had an Afro and glasses, and would cry like all the time. But then you grow up, find friends, get contacts, you stop growing in height, and you start masking it. You have a lot of friends, but not a lot of them know you that well. Same with boyfriends, they know you to a certain point, but then when you show them the real you, they run. 

You could say I’ve had bad choice in guys, and again check.

The worst of it has happened in the last year. I moved from the desert sky of Phoenix to the big city of Chicago. Along with that gained 20 lbs because the Midwest does food gooooood, and tried to make friends. I think I’ve done good in eating and making friends, but I remember being so alone when I first moved here that I said yes to everything and started checking things off. Except one thing. I didn’t say yes to my health.

In the last month, I’ve had a trainer and lost 5lbs. I was sooooooo happy, but then I did bad at work, then improv, then ate some cupcakes, and then bam stop doing everything healthy for my mind and body. 

The breaking point came yesterday. My mom and I had this amazing fun weekend, and I was so sad to see her leave that I cried for an hours a she packed, but it turned into a session of how much I hate everything, and while she tried to comfort me, I was too much in a dark hole. After she left, I got irritated at my friends during our skype date for no reason, couldn’t focus on my job, and continued to cry as my improv instructor took time to chat with me. All I could focus was on the bad that I got nothing done and went to bed.
Which brings me here at 5:39AM. I woke up tired of everything. I want and need to be happy, healthy, and me 100%. This post is for me. 

And yes I’m crazy enough to start this health journey 3 days before Thanksgiving, but if I wait another minute day or week, I may get crazier.

So what now? I’m not sure and I’ll try not to get too anxious about it. I just know I can’t be like this anymore.